How to Be Outgoing and Overcome Shyness At Networking Events

by Sam Diener on September 4, 2009

Before I start really getting into it, I want to let you know that I truly believe everyone can get the hang of networking, no matter what your hold-up. Let me know what you’re having trouble with, and I will try my best to help you work through it. With that being said, this article on “shyness”. Now, I realize that there are medical conditions that make it extremely difficult for some people to go out and do this stuff. However, I believe that no matter how difficult the affliction, the mind is very powerful. I may be tough, but I kind of understand.

So, do this right now: look at yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself, “I am not shy.” Ok, I know you are not going to do that. But it IS kind of my point. Your mind and your actions ARE going to be controlled by what you are telling yourself. So, if I walked around telling myself that “I am shy,” guess how I am going to feel? Even at my ripe old age, sometimes I feel a little withdrawn. But seriously – ask any of your most outgoing friends if they have ever felt shy. I already can tell you what their answer is going to be.

This brings us to an important point. Shyness can come from extrinsic factors such as a bad hair day, the death of a pet moose, unfamiliar surroundings, or any number of other factors. It can also come from intrinsic factors such as an overall “shy personality.” While the latter are hard to overcome, I want you to know that they CAN be overcome. I constantly coach colleagues through it. And I promise you, it will feel amazing when you do it!

The following tips will be easy for those of you who are externally affected. They will be a little more difficult for those with internal holdups. However, once again, it just requires repetition. Also, it helps to share what you are doing with a friend, and have them come and “push” you out of your comfort zone.

  • Next time you are somewhere and are feeling withdrawn, I want you use your “mind’s eye” to see/think about what is making you feel that way. There IS a negative thought, or thoughts floating around in that big ol’ noggin of yours. Briefly, write them down. This IS important. WRITE them down. If you don’t want people to see you doing this, leave the room, but you must do it as you are feeling this negative emotion which is keeping you from networking. Once you have these feelings down on paper, I want you to look at what you have written, and mentally change your negative thoughts into positive thoughts. It helps some people to write these changes down. A couple of examples on how you might fix some of the negative thoughts that cause shyness (the negative is italicized, the bold is the positive):

    I don’t know how to get into a conversation and I’m going to interrupt with something stupid: I’m equipped with great networking skills, and can enter into a networking conversation with ease and confidence.

    They aren’t interested in what I have to say: Isn’t it kind of unfair for me to judge them before I meet them?

    I don’t have anything to say: I am here to see if I can help someone with their networking. I will introduce myself and listen to what he or she has to say. Maybe I can get someone a connection tonight.”

    Obviously, these are just some quick examples that I came up with. There are many more, and if you leave a comment with the negative thoughts you have, I can try to help you out. The objective here is to, on the spot, come up with logical reasons why your thoughts are simply irrational.

    I pulled this method from my basic knowledge of cognitive therapy. It has worked time after time for me, and is PROVEN to work universally. Use it, and you will feel better immediately.

  • Find something really funny, and laugh at it. (Do this in your head. Not in the middle of a crowded networking event. Or you will look really silly.)
  • Turn and immediately talk to another wallflower next to you that you don’t know. Don’t think just do. And after you do it, do it twice more. This is the same technique that I talked about in my last article.
  • I already mentioned this a little. But, go to the event with a friend. That way you won’t feel like you walked in there alone. Don’t hang out with them unless you are doing the next tip:
  • Alternate walking up to meet people with your “networking wing-man/woman.” Force each other to do it. Peer pressure DOES go a long way.
  • Even better than peer pressure, is money. Give your friend a $50 dollar bill, or in my unemployed case, a 5$ bill. Set a goal for how many people you want to approach. You don’t get it back unless you reach that goal. And there is no mercy here guys…..

Conclusions: There are so many different things that you can do to help your shyness. I have only skimmed the surface. Let me know how these work for you. If you liked this article, I recommend clicking “related posts” below, and reading the other ones…. Good luck!

I would like to give a quick thank you to Kellie Bowers for her incredible editing expertise on this post.

Tagged as: first impressions, networking, shyness

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  • These are great words of encouragement. I too am young and unemployed...
  • Sam - Great article. I AM one of those shy people! I really do not like going to networking events; those that I am really close with, professionally speaking, will attest to that. My 'tricks' to dealing with it were learned many, many years ago. First, for any/all networking events, I am an actress. My 'role' is to network and meet everyone in the room (metaphorically speaking, of course). I am still my 'true' self, it's just out loud and to people I have not met before. I know that I don't come across as 'shy' and it's because of this technique. Second, I am a 'teacher'. I seek out others who may appear to be shy and sort of guide them through the process. It is much more comfortable for me to be the 'leader' in this sense.
    I like your last bullet point the best: putting our money where our mouths are! Great motivator. Next time, I'll try this one!
  • Chris
    One thing I have noticed is at a networking social event, people will often make eye contact as a sign they want to say hello. Use that as a signal to approach, handshake and say hi.
  • Sam Diener
    Chris, I agree with you. As long as you approach the first time they give you eye contact. If you wait longer than that, you could then appear to be nervous, which is never a good thing.
  • Mindy Kaplan
    Sam,
    Great article....great blogging site. Thanks for doing this. You have real talent, and possible a new career, if the market wasn't flooded with career coaches. Suggestion, start some networking groups in person, I find it very helpful.
  • Sam Diener
    Mindy, Thank you for your very nice words. It's interesting - my goals aren't to become a career coach. I like helping people, and I am extremely interested in social dynamics. I have a couple things up my sleeve, and career coaching isn't really one of them. Building a very successful personal brand in somewhat benevolent fashion, another story :)
  • Sam, I'm sure this was a great article, but I was too shy to finish reading it - okay, just kidding. You are an excellent writer, and the practical actions to put into motion are very helpful.
  • Ava
    Sam -- Good idea with the money. I once quit a bad habit by walking out of my office and handing someone a dollar every time I did the bad habit; after a week, it went up to $5. It did not go past the second paying of $5. There is something about the physical, kinesthetic, energetic process of money changing hands that is very powerful.
  • Cyndee
    am very introverted by nature, so networking (especially over the phone) was a "fate worse than death" in my mind. Then someone reminded me that I could be standing next to the exact person at the grocery store that I just had a conversation with on the phone and I wouldn't know them and they wouldn't know me. My friend then asked me to keep that in mind and answer the question, "So, what is the worst that can happen?" That whole conversation just "struck a note with me" and gave me the courage to give it a try. I lived to tell about the first call and decided to try it again. Needless to say, I am still an introvert, but can now do what it takes to make those important networking calls. I have met some great people with whom I still correspond!
  • Sam, nice article. For shy folks, I would also recommend practice networking before you go to a career event. What really helped me over the years was talking to folks while shopping or in store lines while having to pay for things. These are good opportunities to break the ice and get to know others as well as getting more comfortable talking to strangers. I meet some really interesting and terrific people while shopping. I even meet folks who share their business needs. You never know, your next career can come about while shopping for vegetables.
  • Diane Dykstra
    I'm glad you have a sense of humor Sam! Seriously, there are those of us who have an introverted preference and probably don't do our selves justice when we pigeon hole ourselves into that stereotype. Introversion is not a fault, it just means that you process things differently and may present yourself in a less spectacular way. You may be a "deep thinker" or a strong organizer. You may need to make a conscious effort to recharge your energy when constantly around social activity. (So much thinking to do!) So don't sell yourself short. But also please know that because of your introverted preference you may also have strengths that others do not! Identify your strenghts and stand strong! One of the most dynamic speakers that I've heard of late quietly claimed 3 times during her speech that she had an introverted preference. She had obviously learned how to work the strengths of her personality type.

    Part of networking is finding out how you can help other people. What do THEY need. It's sometimes a process before you realize the benefits of this relationship building but it's worth it. Putting the focus on other people's needs can take the edge off of networking. Keep practicing! It gets better.
  • Suzan
    EVERYONE feels shy at these events. I think most people are relieved to be speaking to someone rather than standing around as a wallflower, and they are happy to be approached. However, perhaps you can make suggestions for a related problem. These events are usually most productive when you speak to lots of different people. What's a polite way to excuse yourself from a conversation so you don't spend all evening with just one or two individuals?
  • Man, this is good stuff. I, too, like the "holler-or-dollar" incentive.

    To turn this up a notch, have your wing-person donate the money you lose to an "anti-cause". In other words, if you're Democrat, have them send the check to the Republican party. If you're against the war, payout to a group that supports the war. That way, if you don't hold up your end of the bargain, you're not just losing money, you're going against your ideals--and that really stings!
  • Sam Diener
    Whoa - GOOD ONE Cliff!
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